A Bright Star in Heaven
Passed to join the Angels on July 16th 2013
Not so long ago. Although it seems like an eternity. I walked along the deserted beach. It was just before dawn. The sun had not yet kissed the surface of the ocean. Not yet did it shine above the horizon but waited like a surrendered promise; an inevitable event - like another we tend to forget.
In the still silence of this morning while time slipped away. The only sound heard in the endless realm of God’s universe- was my walking feet while they crushed millions of tiny golden pebbles and broken ancient shells. And in this eternal quiet a thought occurred to me; ‘Where is today going and what will be tomorrow? Of a sudden, I feared tomorrow… Yes, I felt it, deep inside my heart. I knew something was amiss…However, in the golden glory of breath and creation. I let the moment pass.
Beside me on the beach strolled my little companion Mr Jonson. His pint-sized body, as white as snow and long hairy ears that always reminded me of angel’s wings flying on either side of his tiny head as he bounced along on the sand.
I knew him completely. His essence blended with mine. We were two lonely souls enjoying the absolute rapture at being on the beach. Moments we shared filled my life with an indescribable joy.
We continued our journey along the sand where I turned to watch him. Mr Jonson had fallen behind and was now observing a lone crab. Nose to the ground, he sniffed it and then lifted one gentle paw to touch it. The small crab disturbed from its musings raised tiny claws and threatened to do mutilation. But Mr Jonson was a gentle soul. He left the crab and ran along to catch up. Those little short legs and barrel body, bounded along in a dance to the joy of being alive. He knew nothing of tomorrow for this was his moment. Our moment. The only moment. And he threw back his head barking, as if to say. ‘Hey! Wait for me.’ I smiled but kept my pace.
We were alone he and I. Two souls abandoned in the world, yet one bonded to one another in an adventure shared for the past 10 years. And it was he… that had carried me through my darkest hours. He...that had licked my wounded heart when life threatened to tear me apart. He...that had slept on my bed and had brought warmth in the coldest nights and then followed me in dreams… I loved him! Yes, with all my being. For he was my rock. The reason to smile and my treasured confidant. Inseparable we were …Jonson and I…
Minutes passed on this beloved day as we sat down on the sand facing the ocean. This morning… so very precious… so very close to tomorrow and unaware how close we were to that unforeseen second. Where the end of existence was imminent and unpredicted.
In these cherished moments...before time stopped... my little Mr Jonson, as always, climbed into my lap. I wrapped my arms around him resting lips on his forehead kissing him gently while we silently waited and watched for the sun to appear above the horizon.
I will remember that last moment forever. The very instant when the golden light of morning broke above the sea line and shone in his eyes. Those kind brown eyes squinted as did my pensive green ones. He wagged his tail and I hugged him closer. The wind had begun to puff. Soon a gale would propel us away and homeward bound… However, not yet!
This was our regular morning ritual.
On that fateful day we sat together for the longest time. Both deep in emotion, remembering the promises made to each other, and wishing time would never end. Lost in eternity. We believed for one short instant, miracles can happen and we would be together forever.
However, life is cruel at times, and the terrible moment came. Tomorrow was absolute…a dark day dawned... and it was… A very dark day…!
Today the belly of the sky is filled with clouds and rain. It whispers ominous things to come…
I had feared this moment all his life... and mine...and when it came. I was unaware, unsuspecting and ill equipped. It was as sudden and as shocking, as a precipitous bolt of burning knives cutting savagely through the fabric of my heart. Helplessly, I held him in my arms while the light left his eyes... as it did so in the world and I was shattered.
In the following hours of darkness. The thunder roared while lightening burned the sky. Rain came in gusts and torrents as the tears of nature said goodbye. And I, oblivious to the outside world, holding my little Mr Jonson close to my breast …he was my entire life. My love and absolute companion. Hoping and wishing him back to life as I called on all the powers of heaven and earth; God, Angels and Fate, 'Please undo this horror' I shrieked into ether while anger overflowed the threshold of sanity… then taking a deep breath, I, like the storm surrounding me, released all the pain in screaming fear. Demanding to imprint my desolation into the Universe. ‘God… I beg you… bring him back... for without him there is nothing!’ I howled in despair while covering his little body with a fountain of tears. Nevertheless, in the stony silence that followed. No God, nor Angel heard my call. No breath returned… no shining eyes - for my little Mr Jonson had been called home. Without my consent. To a place unknown to living eyes. His soul’s mission and rite having been completed was returning into light and nothing was going to change.
I fell asleep with my hand on his heart hoping to reignite it, and it was so, until the early hours of the morning. Then they came to pry him from my arms. I did not let them take him for I feared to let him go. I was terrified that without me. What would he do and where would he go? Would he be alone on the other side? I had protected and cherished him all his life and I did not know what had befallen his soul… I did not know what lay on the other side…is he lost and defenceless? Releasing him was unimaginable. Therefore, for three days we stayed together while I struggled with faith and my rage at life's injustice …until finally…unanswered… I let him go.
Time has passed...cruel time without ending and the beach is a lonely place with no little fluffy white barrel of smiles to walk and sit with me. No gentle and kind brown eyes to catch the dawn rays...no little catch me up barks.
Life, for me, has now lost its shine, and I see no colors in existence while I sit here and watch the inevitable dawn rise once again. The cycle of nature in its savageness and beauty fail to inspire me.
Alone…. I wander along the beach… yet I see nothing, for I search everywhere for the little footprints in the sand, left so long ago. Mr Jonson’s little paws… that had carried me through the darkest hours of my life, are now erased and washed away into the ocean.
It is as if… they never existed… for time has not healed my sorrow.
On the barren beach, where time pursued, is trapped by tangled emotions. My arms wrap around empty knees and the wind is chilling. Still I do not want to go home… for it is a desolate place. Desolate like the ocean, my heart and the world.
Some say. ‘It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.’ And I believe there is some truth to this statement, but I also think it is cruel and unspeakable.
Mr Jonson came into this world where I had found him by chance. Or was it destiny preordained? This I will never know for sure. Moreover, as I reflect, I know. He must have been born to come into my life at a critical time. To teach me and share with me an understanding; that love comes in many forms and faces, and the divine appears in many different expressions.
Nevertheless, I am led to believe that only an open heart can see real love. A love realised in an unimaginable form. Sent directly from heaven to comfort and heal.
I can still hear him. My beloved Mr Jonson. As he calls to my heart, yet what I hear is a warning to my desperate soul. He speaks with deadly authority, reminding me of truth… his voice that cries mutely alongside the voice of wisdom…and says…
"Understand and be watchful of your heart… for on the journey of self-discovery only spirit recognizes true love for what it is. Thus, the abandoned soul, while staggering in the chaos of existence, must acknowledge they are alive and all life is linked to the experience of a special love. This love is a gift…a gift that gives strength and acknowledgement… hopefully offering the encounter of learning, and in doing so, carries more light into the world."
To have known the depths of unconditional love. The joy and fulfillment in sharing together one heart and one soul eternally. Must… I believe be... reserved for those few that are loved enough to carry loss as a light to shine for others... those that have heard the clarion call from other realms.
Mr Jonson, I miss you! I will love you for all the rest of my days. In this life and into eternity.
I will find you one day, here or in the thereafter and, I promise. We shall be together again and sit on the sand to wait for the golden dawn to color our eyes.